minutes

minutes

The bell rang.

Could I ignore it any longer? No. This was probably the third time. Sleeping in the middle of the day was fun. Pure, indulgent fun. Still, I could get no rest on this sofa any longer. Yelling a sleepy “I’m coming,” I dragged myself up and attempted to rub sleep out of my eyes and order back into my hair. The bell stopped ringing - just my luck probably, the person decided to go away now. Or it was some damn brat. Still, I shuffled to the door. I could see the silhouette through the frosted glass, so they hadn’t gone. Shorter, female. Probably selling something. I pulled open the door, ready to shoo them away. And then I realised it was her.

Her open smile, just brimming with eagerness. She’d never stop smiling, right to her last day. Her face was built to smile. The pretty little dimples accenuating her high cheekbones, the eyes sparkling with joy and telling you that smile was 100% genuine. Today, for some reason, that smile just pissed me off. But I put that aside - house visits were rare, and of course I’d welcome her in. Any proper host would. Even if you were on death’s door, if someone came to your house that claimed even the most tenuous link, you’d welcome them in, offer them something to eat.

"Hi! Well? What are you going to stand there all day just staring at me? Lemme in!”

“Oh.. right, sorry, just woke up you see… Yeah, please, come on in. God, I haven’t seen you in ages.”

“Hahhah oh it hasn’t been that long,” That little laugh, sounding like cascades of glass rods all tinkling together. It was heavenly, but today, today it grated. She walked in with all the easy grace and comfort of someone who’d been living here for years. Shoes off without prompting. Careful stepping over the stuffed toy guard dog. Sitting herself down on the leather sofa, in the living room. She belonged more than me, and I lived here.

“Can I get you a drink? Coke? Coffee?”

“Ah, please, don’t bother yourself with all of those pleasantries. Just get us both a glass of water - it’ll wake you up,” she said mockingly, “and that’s just the thing for my parched throat.”

“No probs, coming right up.” God, the queen was in command again. The most pleasant person I knew, but she’d command without knowing it. And something compelled you to follow those commands. I returned with the water, which she accepted as gracefully as ever. It was cold - right out of the fridge, of course - but she took it as though it was tepid, not noticing the cold or the condensation on the outside. Small details like that got to me - so few others I knew could pull off that much grace. Others would have noted it, or almost dropped the glass or something. Never with her.

“Now what makes you sleep in the middle of the day?” Her voice took on a chiding tone, yet the smile remained affixed. How did she do it? Amazing.

So I told her about the lack of sleep the night before. And the night before that. And, well, pretty much the whole of the last week. Work piled up, it was amazing how it managed to do that. Completely loose track of it and suddenly there went your weekend and your nights. Life was like that - sucky one day, suckier the next. She listened as always, serene patience. Then the conversation began. We talked back and forth for an age. Finally, all the pleasantries exhausted, all the little things out of the way, we got down to serious business. Real discussion. And slowly but surely, the conversation swung to me.

I talked on and on. The sun set many minutes ago, and for some reason I completely forgot about the rest of the family coming home. Or that they weren’t - there was some dinner party on, that i was supposed to have been at before the sun was swallowed up. But as I talked, I fell under the gaze of those eyes and their spell. Every time it happened, and every time I hated myself afterwards. This time, those eyes were filled with sadness, with pity. The smile had waned. I could see it etched all over her face - she pitied me. For all that had happened in the last month, all that she could show was pity.

I hated her. How I hated her. Her pity - it didn’t do anything for me. I didn’t want her pity, I wanted something else. I couldn’t name it, but I wanted it. Not pity. Not from her. Not now. Please, stop looking at me with those eyes. Please go home, smile your dazzling smile for someone else.

That was the last night I cried.